Relationships in general are not easy as you’re bound to deal with a person other than yourself. As a person you have to know your self worth. How you treat yourself is basically how people you let into your life are going to treat you. For instance if you don’t value or respect yourself, people won’t see you as important or give you the respect you think you deserve.
I decided to call this article blurred lines because the line between BDSM and abuse is quite a thin one. I feel like this is going to help people that might think they are into BDSM, those who might not know how the other side of their sexuality might affect their partners. If a person does not try to understand themselves sexually they are more likely to hurt their partners unintentionally. For instance they might be into kinky foreplay like humiliation and spanking which might be considered as abuse by the other party therefore communication is vital. In that case it will be because there was no communication or consent before hand as your partner will not understand where its coming from.
People that practice BDSM live by a code: safe, sane and consensual. Educating oneself in the art of BDSM and also communication to their partners is important. Abuse can creep into a BDSM relationship and go unnoticed for a while until it manifests into an ugly affair. Being kinky is okay, it’s actually recommended but if you notice that it’s having a negative impact on your partner you are supposed to stop and look for other means to practice it in your relationship. To people that practice BDSM the dominant is known to take care of the submissive emotionally as well as physically and in turn the submissive will be there for the dominant in anyway they can the relationship has to be healthy. It is not recommended for the Dominant to punish the submissive while angry because it might result in severe injuries or a traumatic experience which might last for a lifetime.
As a submissive you have to be well educated on how to carry yourself as well as to be well versed with the safe, sane and consensual guidelines. If anything happens that can make you uncomfortable you have the right to speak up and address the issue. Being denied of that opportunity is undeniably the biggest red flag you would ever get to get out of the relationship.
In my experience, abuse came from both sides making it a dangerous, toxic relationship. Our relationship wasn’t great to be honest and it got worse when I was introduced to BDSM. The more I researched about BDSM the more I realised I wasn’t weird, I just yearned for something different sexually. I found out there was more to being with someone and for the first time ever I felt normal for I could now explain my urges and welcomed the idea of venturing into it. I identify myself as a submissive as I always feel the need to be controlled or punished when I do something wrong, but most of all I love pain and emotional torture. I don’t know how or why yet. My partner at the time thought we should incorporate the BDSM lifestyle into our relationship and that is when I discovered my need of pain for pleasure. He was not really into giving out pain or practice any BDSM, he only liked the idea in theory but could not engage himself in practicing it.
I remember a time when he hit me out of pure anger. In my mind I knew it was extremely wrong but the kinky side of me liked how it was raw, intense and real other than the role-playing vibe. We had sex after that and in my mind it was exactly what I was looking for. I overruled my sanity with craziness. I let it happen for a while because I knew how to provoke him to a point where he would hit me and then would have sex afterwards. I would provoke him in a way that made him question his manhood or I would flirt with someone else to make him feel like he had lost control over his life and of me. I would wait till he was tipsy to emotionally torture him until his reaction turned violent to dominate me and the situation. I knew it was abuse, but abuse I welcomed with open arms. His personality changed when he drank as he became more assertive and controlling, qualities I love in a dominant.
In many cases the abuser always wants to feel power over someone and in control. They feel like the person’s sole purpose is just to do with as they please. If you strip that away they resort to the only kind of dominance that makes sense to them which is forcing someone to submit to their will.
There is a reason why the BDSM community has the safe, sane and consensual code. A lot of things can go sideways in an instant and it can end up in death or a horrible injury. We parted ways because we both realised how toxic our relationship was and how it was getting out of hand. If you’re in an abusive relationship in general just find the courage to get out. It’s not always easy to leave because the abuser would have emotionally conditioned you to feel like you can’t do anything without them. It is up to you to find strength within yourself to walk away.
The journey to self discovery is not an easy one but if you embark on it you’ll start noticing changes within yourself. You become more considerate of others but not in a way that will affect you negatively. I encourage people to test out their limits, to discover new ways to make themselves happy but not at the expense of others.